Love actually

 

"Love Actually"

Eternal, platonic, filial , motherly, possessive, mutual, exclusive, unrequited, there is no end to the number of adjectives that can be used to describe love. It is actually muhabath, and has always been a part of the Indian tradition. We exported the original Sanskrit word "lubh" (meaning desire and love) everywhere. The emotion is now universal, and the world appears to revolve around love in its various forms.

One of the mysteries unexplained since the beginning of time is the sudden mutual attraction between two people, love "at first sight."

Does it really occur?

"Yes," according to 67% of the people surveyed. (Perhaps fate has just been unkind to the remaining 33%, and their views may also change when the time is right).

Scientifically, the star struck attraction is just plain "lust", mediated by a surge in the primeval sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen, acting in differing proportions in both men and women. This is followed by a sudden release of the internal neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine (adrenaline)and serotonin, the same chemicals involved in a cocaine high or nicotine use. Sweating , palpitations and a temporary insanity sets in. Hit by cupid's arrow, even the most logical prosaic human develops irrational behaviour. Thought processes becomes disturbed, work and efficiency suffers, waking hours are non-productively occupied by visions of the new lover, and nights become sleep deprived. If love is unrequited, the fluctuating chemical levels cause depression as well.

This love is not ethereal but can be rationally demonstrated using functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging. Four areas of the brain became active, and one area noticeably inactive, when the subjects are in "love." Unfortunately euphoria inducing drugs have the same effect, explaining the "madness" of love.

This state cannot last forever. It is unhealthy and physically unsustainable. The body realizes this and gradually the phase of "mutual commitment and attachment" sets in with the release of the more "bonding" chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin. Either long-term commitment sets in or the relationship fails. The madness is over.

Subconsciously, as men and women search for a reliable long term partner, companionship and a durable relationship, they look for different things.

Women, search for good genes. Early brain imprints make them look for some one who resembles their father. Such a person would (unless the filial relationship was unsatisfactory) be viewed as a healthy, strong provider, similar enough for a tested immune system, but different enough to ensure a wide range of genes. This provides a balance between dangerous inbreeding and reckless out-breeding. They also subconsciously materialistically keep an eye on rank and status (the pecking order), when searching for a mate.    

Men, look for facial symmetry (less likely to have genetic abnormalities), and reproductive ability, (the hour-glass figure with a waist to hip ratio of 0.7). This applies irrespective of the woman's overall weight.

Oedipus also comes into play. Men need to see their mother in the woman of their dreams. Both sexes are attracted to a mate that looks, smells and feels like their parents.

The key to falling in love could lie in pheromones, chemicals originally detected by an organ in the nose which could be present in humans. Women want a man who smells like their father, a warning to alcoholic, cigarette smoking fathers! In a study involving sweaty T-shirts, they consistently picked men who smelled similar to their fathers or were from a comparable genetic background.

Appearances are important too, but not traditional beauty. Using computerized morphing the subject's own face were morphed onto that of the opposite sex. They were consistently subconsciously attracted to their own morphed unrecognizable face. Our own faces are tantalizingly familiar, and personally attractive because they are a jigsaw of the faces of our parents, which we loved and saw repeatedly during our impressionable formative years.

Also, the faces and figures of long standing happily married couples look similar. The size and shape of their ears, neck and wrist circumferences, middle finger lengths and metabolic rates correspond eerily.

Falling in love depends on body language (55%), speech (38%) and the unknown(7%).

The eyes are the windows of the soul. Eyes dilate as we stare deeply and after 4 minutes most people feel an unaccountable attraction for each other.

People who sit stand and move in the same way get attracted to each other and fall in love. Or, conversely, if people live together long enough, their physical characteristics and habits become similar and then they pass into the bonding stage without the stages of lust and attraction. This is the foundation of arranged marriages.

Some need a "constant fix" the adrenaline rush of frequent affairs. Others prefer the stress reducing health providing benefits of a secure long standing relationship.

Whatever it is, everyone looks for love.

Dr. Gita Mathai

The writer can be contacted at

mindandbody@epmltd.com